Dear Athens,
Well, I am leaving after eleven long years. I have been your groupie, fan, sweet girl, roadie, bouncer, bar back, toilet cleaner, trash can sorter, bitch, slut, whore, liar, but more recently - mother, insurance clerk, champion of the sick, elderly and young pregnant women who can’t read well, and for some, a friend.
What have you been to me? Boy that’s hard to say. Had you of asked me this same question two years ago? I think the following answer would have been completely different.
A lot of you abandoned me when I needed you most. I know, I know, you wanted to avoid the drama. The ones who wanted in (yeah I am talking about that courtroom) were in it for all the wrong reasons. I really think someone paid lied to you. A lot like the politicians and that woman who is so hell bent on seeking her revenge that they prey on the opportunity to make a bad situation worse.
So for you who avoided me because I had drama in my life; I have to say – I find this real funny because I remember enduring a lot of yours. Stood right there holding your hand and nodding my head in real sympathy. Picked your drunk asses up off the club floors and ushered you out the back door quietly so you wouldn’t have to be embarrassed. Gave you advice, rides, help, food, whatever I had to offer. I always did it with no expectation of anything in return. Good thing, because one of the few things I don’t suffer from now is disappointment.
You know, the minute I start to tell a few of you of my problems (because normally you do inquire first) you tell me to “hush”. “Hush” really? When have any of you? You all like to tell stories of me. Yeah, I know there are some well deserved ones out there. I did earn them long ago. All though, I don’t believe any of them wouldn’t exist without a certain mill/mail geek makin it in the rock and roll world. I believe I would have gotten to be the voyeur I am and not the exhibitionist you all make me out to be. In your defense, gotta say I have lived while I have been here. I will never deny that. If I remember correctly, a lot you high and mighty folks were right there alongside of me. Weren’t you? I remember seeing a few of you at the bars before and while you have children. But that’s in the past, right? The red flag goes up. You know you have someone else to take care of besides you? The ones that know better than me say – “Quit living in the past.” How come that rule doesn’t apply when it comes to my ancient history? Ahh… the legend! What I want to know, how come some of you never took the time to get to know me past the bar rooms and rumors, but sure do claim to know so much about me now?
Do any of you know what my present is? Let me clue you in, it’s walking everywhere. Working a “day job” for four years where I really do try hard to help people. Coming home to really cold hardwood floors and broken windows by some undeservingly jealous butthole. Carrying food from the store on my back, or bike, so my son will have something to eat and drink. Barely making ends meet because the man that a lot of you seem to blindly adore has absolutely refused (several times) to offer me any support. Yeah, I am talking about child support, but emotional and physical support too. He wouldn’t sign the divorce papers unless I waived child support. You see, something like that would really cut into his drinking and dating money. So, I do it on my own. Normally, without complaint because I expected too from the day I peed on the stick (knowing him) that it would be my sole responsibility. But today, yeah right now in the present, I am feeling a little bitchy about it. Hell, I would take a mere ride from the man. But that seems to be too much for him to do along with many other things; that is, unless I am willing to sleep with him and dive back into the hell we called home for so long. Another question – it seems every one rallies around to “support” the alcoholic. Poor, poor, poor alcoholic. Who supports the damaged people in their wake? I still haven’t figured that one out.
For those of you, who do know me better now, stopped to give me and the boy rides, and seem generally concerned. I thank you. Thank you for your time and concern. Thanks for seeing I am not in the past anymore and my present can be a real bitch in just day to day survival. It will always mean the world to me and you are always welcome anywhere I am.
The rest of you who think you know me. I want to tell you a few other things about my present story that I believe you have either been misled about or have failed to see. After all aren’t there two sides to everything? Right, old close friends? Where’s my time to vent and be heard? Maybe you don’t want to hear what I say because the legend is fun, but the truth hurts? Well here’s my take on what I have been through. (Disclaimer to your: “Hypocrite Defense”. It does not apply. So get off your damn high horse about this one. Just like you – I haven’t all most killed someone or myself because I had a few beers. Nor I have I ruined mine or anyone’s life. C’mon Athens after all these years of housing drinkers I know you know the difference by now. Just in case you don’t, when the aforementioned happens; my friends – you are waaayyy beyond weekend warrior.)
This is what you all abandoned me to live through alone for the past two to six years because you didn’t want to get involved. Or if you did, you only made it worse – because I am the strong one, right? I will be okay. But he, HE, really needs your help – to what? Keep drinkin? I digress:
I survived all most losing my child to the hands of a negligent alcoholic. That’s right, had he crawled the other way while daddy was passed out in the yard, none of you would have to see me now. I would have been dead by my own hands, or in some holding cell, with padded walls and really thick bars. I survived all most losing my alcoholic husband to a stroke. I saved his life. Yep, that was me who flipped his ass over and called the ambulance without freaking out or shedding a tear. Just so it’s heard – my demeanor wasn’t because I didn’t care. It was because I did care enough to get the help he needed vs. acting like a helpless, whiny, bitch when the situation demanded it. Had I freaked out like y’all think a “normal woman/wife” would do – homeboy would be drooling in a wheel chair while you all are handing him drinks and having your grudge fucks. Think I am not telling the truth again? Ask one of those folks you like so much that was there. That reminds me, every time one of you buy him a drink or want him to be the life of your party, I hope you think of me and his son and how much you are helping us out and keeping him safe.
Before and after the stroke, I endured pass outs, cuss outs, peeing randomly, nights when he didn’t come home, and too much shit I care to go over anymore. You need more hints as to why I think he’s a raging alcoholic? How about this -When your child all most gets run over by a doctor’s BMW whizzing by, due to you passed out outside while you were alone with your nine month old and you all most died yourself because you fell on your drunk ass head (but it was only an accident? Yeah Athens that’s what you and him like to call it. No one ever saw him falling down drunk coming.) And these two events alone aren’t enough to make you quit drinking on your own – friends – nothing will. You may be an incurable lush. Just sayin. Someone might want to divorce you.
You know what capped off all the wonderful years we spent together? He gets shitty drunk and decides to attack me in the middle of night when I am alone. Why? Because two years past a well deserved divorce, someone of the male persuasion had the nerve to hang out with me in my kitchen eating tacos and he happened upon this all important information during one of his many ride bys of me home. So, he busted the windows on my rental. Three to be exact. As if that wasn’t scary enough, but he was damned determined to get in too. You can look at the first one and tell where he wasn’t able to pull his big, drunk ass through.
Had he gotten in I wonder how many of you would have visited me in the hospital and cared for my young son while I was there? I wonder too, if it would be the same ones who showed up in the courtroom to defend him that day. How dare you? How fucking dare each of you? What have I ever done to any of you? I am sure you can’t think of one thing. You think I contradict myself? Tell me something, how do people defend Nucci’s Space and domestic abuse at the same time?. Tell me again who is the liar Athens? You know, because unlike each of you, and him, I generally don’t go out of my way to hurt people. Really think back, hazy friends, how much fried chicken did I put on your plate?
Really, if I have hurt you, I promise you it was an honest mistake and I am truly sorry. But he WAS out to hurt me, no doubt about it. The police who put the surveillance cameras up at least thought so. They were the first ones besides two good friends who cared enough to check on me and see the glass on the floor and in my son’s toys who thought so too. But I am making this up, because I am the jealous one?
Again you all think you know enough about me from my past to judge that I had it coming when you weren’t there for most of it? Really? News flash – we were together five years. You folks weren’t there for a long, long, time, unless there was a show or a party. Were you?
I wanna know too, if any of you ever feel inclined to answer any of these questions – what can anyone do to deserve that? To be attacked, in their home alone, in the middle of the night? Leave out of it I happen to be a woman when you ponder on it, please. What can anyone do to another to really deserve that? I don’t think angry phone calls and half assed emails about being stalked and bothered are enough. But hey, I have been wrong before. Now, stop to imagine those windows were my face and my body? I sure have on many sleepless nights. No, none of you came to see or imagine. But I did. I lived right through.
You all say I am a liar? I think the conviction proves I am not. And if I am, so are all of you. You lie to yourselves about your partying buddy so he can stick around and you won’t have to take a good look at yourselves. When he’s there? Who pays attention to you? You can get away with anything because he is so much worse off than you. You are only trying to help him live through his pain correct? Through your ignorance and denial I can guarantee each of you – you will lose him. So will his son and I am going to put the task squarely back on each of you to explain it to the boy. Yep, all the how and why you got in you that it was okay to endorse his drinking, violence, and retarded relationship. The reason why is as it was before I came along, it won’t be because of me, damn it I tried many times to get him to stop. But he was even more of an asshole when he wasn’t drinking, if you can imagine that. Too hard to live with when I had a big hole in my stomach from a botched C-Section, an infant, a full time job and a sloppy alcoholic to deal with. Everyone has their limits, you know.
As an aside, I told him not to quit the band. He told you Athens he did it to quit drinking. Let me ask you, how many times have you seen him drunk since? How many times have you called his parents to come retrieve him from work because he was too drunk? And I am supposed to leave my small child with him and his alcoholic girlfriend with no questions asked? Again, I say come on Athens! Really? We aren’t stupid here. We are the spot of blue? Or am I lying about this too?
As for his um… “Girlfriend” (oh yeah I am going here) watch your back Athens! Wear sunglasses too. You never know what corner she will pop out behind brandishing a cell phone with a picture flash that blinds you so badly it will trip you up when you walk. Lucky for you, I have a hint here. She is no good at taking pictures through blinds drunk. I have seen it. I couldn’t decide if it was more annoying or comedy. And for God’s sake don’t speak to her ex-husband of many years. You know the really nice, brilliant guy that doesn’t drink and you all overlook even though he has provided some the best shit this music town has ever heard. Believe me on this one, if you do end up liking him, she will make your life a living hell. She will stalk, harass, slander, follow, invade your life, privacy and take your picture when it’s the last thing you want done. Oh my fucking God, Buddha and divine Goddess I have more proof than I ever wanted of this. She will stop at nothing to discredit and demand others turn against you. Before you know it, your life, will be as bad as hers. (That’s what she wants really for all of you to feel the pain she does. I guess she thinks it eases the loneliness and pain she has to endure for all the crappy, shitty, mean things she says and does.) By the way, really she doesn’t have your best interest in mind as she pretends, only hers. Y’all know her so I am told. The visible cringes on your faces give that away when she gets brought up and not around to attack you for showing your true dislike of her. And I am the liar? Come on, Athens. At least I am upfront about how much I don’t need her in my world. I don’t cower in fear of her tongue and demands because it’s the easiest thing to do. Oh and no, she didn’t run me and my son outta here, but she sure did help. I will give her credit for completely ripping up my six year old’s and my life with her unquenchable desire to see me bleed for being kind to a man she kept in a proverbial box who she deemed (like one of her pets) should only be let out when SHE needed something. Obsession makes a bad house pet my friends. I hope you’re not next. I don’t think I need to go into much further. As I said, you all tell me you know her. It’s more like fear her. For one particular person I can think of that never did – God bless you. You and a friend wrapped me up in a hug when I never needed it more. It has always surprised me who has rescued me after all this and who hasn’t. Remember that new Athenians when you start making friends. The least ones you expect to be – can be your best ones.
Best advice I ever got here and never heeded until much later – be careful what you say and who you say it to. If you live here, a motto truly to remember and live by. Please, learn from my mistake, stick to the motto greenhorns no matter what. Because someone thinks you’re privileged or have no reason to complain they will only tell you to “hush”. Too, it’s more fun to believe the legend. People find out you ain’t quite so privileged and wild as they think, well that just sucks. And never see a person truly struggling that you have known for many years and say simply, “Hey, you helped me out a few times. Do you need a hand?” Nope leave that to the unlikely suspects they will come through where those real friends that you thought you had and gave so many of those past rides to will just drive on by. You never know who only likes you because of what back stage door you can potentially open. Really, it does happen.
For all the bullshit I endured here, of my own creation and the freebies - I still have to say - Thanks Athens! I would have never had half the experiences I did, if I would have stayed that sweet naive South Carolina girl. I would have never had my son. I would have met really truly creative and wonderful people that I feel bad I was too fucked up to really get to know back in those days. I would not be as strong and capable. Especially, when it comes to living on five bucks a day. I would have never loved passionately and lost in such a fury as well. People need that – passion. Not just in art and music but their lives. This is; grant it, an incestuously passionate place. Thanks for the music too. I will listen to it after a while when it doesn’t inflict nostalgic pain anymore.
Finally to all of you who loved me unconditionally as I tried to you (there are a lot of you and I am thankful for that), I will miss you. All the others – well as they say – you can pretty much fuck off.
As for the newbie’s take it from an old groupie, music lover, stage and bar hand – remember the motto and learn how to live cheap! I promise you – these are the only two things you will need to get through it all here. Athens is a small town girl’s New York. At least it was for me. Tells you how backwards I am.
Really Athens, I don’t blame you. All though it may seem I do. I blame me. I had to do what I had to do knowing what I know. Don’t we all? I sure hope we do.
Oh, when the “Athens Blues hit” you (They will. No matter how invincible. Really, no one I have known in eleven years has ever been immune.)– listen to the possibilities. They will help pull you through too.
I think it feels better in here.
Good luck to you all. I am headed on home.
Rock on Athens.. rock on…
